I have always loved children, I have always wanted ones of my own (whether biological or adopted), and I have always imagined being a mom. It’s been two and half years since Sean and I exchanged our vows and it seems as though having our own little ones is the next big step.
It’s difficult to imagine being a mom without having my own Mom to help me answer all of the questions I will have. In the middle of the night when I’m weary and unable to ease my baby’s cries, I always thought I’d have my Mom to come to my rescue. I remember my Mom lovingly talking about her unborn grandchildren and how she imagined who they would resemble. My Dad says she would have been an amazing Grandma, and don’t I know it. She used to always tell me that I had the greatest Dad in the world (which is true), and I know he’ll make the best Grandpa, too.
I often think about how I will keep my Mom’s memory alive in the lives of my children when they will never have a chance to meet her or feel the comfort of her arms. For a while after my Mom passed away, I didn’t want to have children, and there are days when I still don’t. It’s not having children that I no longer want, it’s having them without my Mom’s presence. It’s knowing that she so wanted to be a part of their lives, and now she never will.
When I think about what she would say to me now, I already know. She would tell me that one day I will make a wonderful, loving mother; One who will be even more strict than she was (an inside thing between my Mom and I), and one who will finally understand the love that her own mother had for her. As I get older, I can see more and more the sacrifices my parents made for me, and how unconditional their love is. If my Mom was here today, she would tell Sean and I that when we’re ready, we will make two very loving and dedicated parents.
My parents always loved the fact that Sean always took such good care of me (from the time that we were just friends), and I know how blessed I am to have such a wonderful man for a husband. I know that he would sit by me during sleepless nights, and help me through the days when exhaustion is all I feel. I know in my heart that Sean would make the most loving and patient father. He would be the most helpful husband, and would always insist on making sure that I don’t try to do everything myself. I’m so privileged to have full confidence in a man who is not yet a father, but who I know will make a great one someday.
In the eulogy I wrote for my Mom, I said that it is because of her love, that I have a better understanding of God’s love for me. If my Mom’s love for me is but a glimpse, then my Heavenly Father’s love for His children is one that moves me to tears. Imagine the person who you love most in this world… And now, imagine how much more God loves you.
In His timing, I pray that God will bless us with a child or children to love and nurture, and to help grow into people who will learn of His love for them and show the love that they receive to all those around them.